What is Love Bombing?
‘Love Bombing’ is a form of psychological and emotional abuse that is disguised as excessive flattery. The criminal courts have extended the definition of domestic abuse, which is a criminal offence, to include love bombing. This means it will be taken seriously.
Genuine love takes time to build. When it comes to love bombing at the beginning of a romantic relationship, it is intense, fast-moving, and as the term suggests; like a bomb of ‘love’ entering your life at once. If it feels too good to be true, this is often an indication that you may be being love bombed.
Genuine love allows a person space and time to build a relationship and respects boundaries. Love bombing isn’t real love, it is often the first sign of domestic abuse in a relationship.
Love Bombing signs
When you are a victim of love bombing, it can be difficult to see how this behaviour can lead to further types of domestic abuse. Here are some common signs to look out for in your own relationships or in family or friend’s relationships.
They rush the relationship
People who ‘love bomb’ are likely to move the relationship very quickly.
- Early declarations of love (when you’ve basically just met)
- Idea of commitment early on (“why wait?”)
- Wanting to introduce you to loved ones early on and/or meet yours
- Talks about the future very early on (moving in, getting engaged, having kids etc)
- Claims of being soulmates (“when you know, you know”)
Before you know it, you may be in a very serious relationship with someone you don’t truly know.
Every relationship moves at different paces, however with love bombing it is alarmingly quick and there is a real dismissal of your boundaries. Ask yourself “does this person know me enough to feel like this?”
Intense declarations of ‘love’
Examples include:
- Showering you with gifts/promising of future gifts – this can make you feel guilty about ending things because of all they have given you.
- Excessive flattery and praise – putting you on a pedestal.
- Early, intense conversations about your future together.
- Public display of affection early on – posting you on their social media or asking you to do so.
Want to be with you all the time
The ‘love bomber’ will often want to be with you (or at least in contact with you) all the time.
- Very ‘needy’ and want to be around you all the time.
- Inviting themselves along to things you are doing (or manipulating you to invite them).
- If they are not with you physically, they will often be in frequent contact (constant messages, phone calls etc.
- Turning up (disguised as romantic or caring) to workplace, outing with friends etc.
Over time, as the relationship builds, this often turns into jealousy, anger and being demanding of your time. For example, they may start to make you feel guilty or become annoyed if you don’t answer their phone calls or messages straight away.
What defines stalking in a relationship and how to recognise the signs?
This also turns into you slowly becoming isolated from those around you. This may be more covert such as planning a date when you were supposed to be seeing friends and making you feel guilty if you don’t go on the date.
Presenting themselves as a victim
The ‘love bomber’ may share very personal information about their life at very early on.
- Sharing deep childhood traumas when you’ve only met a few times.
- Stories about ex partners (eg: they cheated on me).
This may also happen in healthy relationships, but if it is happening along with the other signs of love bombing, it is often used to further manipulate and exert control over you.
If you see them as a victim, they are able to later gaslight you into believing that they don’t mean to abuse you;
- “I just get jealous because my ex-partner cheated on me.”
- “I don’t mean to be like this, it’s because of the traumas from my childhood.”
- “I don’t mean to get angry and shout at you, it’s just how I cope.”
Mirroring you
Often when you are being love bombed, you feel that this person is everything you have been looking for. This is no coincidence and it is important to know that often the person love bombing will be ‘mirroring’ you and what you are looking for.
- Mirroring you – they may appear to like similar things to you, have similar values as you, want the same future as you etc.
- Mirroring what you want – eg; if you have expressed that you would like a partner who compliments you often, they will do that in excess or if you have expressed you would like someone adventurous, they will do and say all they can to prove they are, even if it is not true.
What are the abusers aims when Love Bombing?
To get you to fall in love with them
The sooner you are, the sooner they are able to gain control over you. If the abuser showed who they were from the beginning, they wouldn’t be able to get you to fall in love. So, the abuser wears a mask consisting of flattery, false love and a mirror of everything they believe will make you fall in love, as soon as possible.
To make you believe that they love you
As well as making you fall in love with them, they also want you to believe that they love you, that they are a good person, that their intentions are genuine. This causes confusion for the victim and can make them question whether they are being abused.
How to know if its Love Bombing?
If you are unsure whether you are being love bombed, we would advise setting a healthy, normal boundary to see how they react. Let’s say you tell the person that you feel uncomfortable with the number of gifts they are sending you…
Do they;
- Respond with anger, become defensive and make you feel guilty or ungrateful.
- Appear understanding of your boundary but continue to send you gifts anyway (“I couldn’t help myself, I just wanted to treat you.”)
Both of these are red flags and indicators that this person is love bombing you. In a normal, healthy relationship dynamic the person will take your feedback, respect it and change their behaviour moving forward.
So, what happens after Love Bombing?
When the perpetrator feels they have control of you, you may start to notice a shift in their behaviour;
- Anger towards you/starting arguments
- Jealousy & controlling behaviour
- Fear and intimidation
- Threats to leave the relationship (emotional blackmail)
- Belittling or degrading you
- Isolation from loved ones
- Gaslighting you
- In some cases, physical abuse
If you are in this situation, you are not alone.
It is important to never judge anyone who is the victim of love bombing. The manipulation they have been victim to, and the dependency (financial, emotional etc) created makes it very difficult to spot the signs and to leave
Is this relevant if nobody listens?
Recent guidance in the criminal courts, (which means the family court is likely to follow the same guidance), has extended the definition of controlling behaviour, which is a criminal offence, to include love bombing. This means that it will be taken seriously.
What to do if you or someone you know are being Love Bombed?
- Seek Support: There are many free support options available to you, including Fear Free domestic abuse service. If there is an emergency, you should call 999 for either the police or an ambulance. You can also contact the free 24-hour National Domestic Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or visit their website: www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk
- Clare’s Law: If you recognise signs of love bombing in your own relationship or the relationship of a friend/relative, then you may initially make an application under Clare’s Law. This enables you to see disclosure about the other person and find out whether allegations of domestic abuse have previously been made to the police about them.
- Speak to a Family Lawyer: We offer free, initial consultations online or at one of our offices in Chippenham, Devizes, Marlborough, Royal Wootton Bassett and Swindon and can signpost you to appropriate help. The Family Court can also offer protective measures both for you and any children. Our team is experienced, and we really do care and can guide you through the process.
